How to be a Cat 101, in 10 easy steps:

(1) Whatever your human expects you to do, do the complete opposite. 
(2) If your human needs to use the toilet, stand guard. Bonus points if you can get into the restroom before they close the door, extra bonus points if you can fall asleep on their trousers while they are down and act like it's a super-huge inconvenience being awoken from the position after about 15 seconds.
(3) Ensure that your human does not sleep more than 4 consecutive hours. If they go to bed early, stay up yowling and chasing non-existent squirrels through the windows. Make sure to curl up right on top of their bladder at about 12-3 AM, depending on when your human first fell asleep. Depending on when they fell back asleep after your initial torment, curl up on their face and cut off their breathing at about 4-6 AM, the earliest possible that doesn't literally kill them from sleep deprivation. If they go back to sleep, start kneading them with claws unsheathed no later than 9 AM.
(4) Knock over the water bowl as soon as it's filled, especially if it's put down on carpet.
(5) For just about no reason at all, be sure to kick your fresh turds out of the litter box. No one wants a turd-laden litter box.
(6) If you feel queasy, go hide in the most inconvenient place for your human to clean it up in order to throw up. Bonus points if they have to move an entire bed or couch to clean it up.
(7) If your human is cooking, choose that time to demonstrate how high you can jump. Extra bonus points for jumping onto the table with the cutting board and sharp knife or onto the stove that is turned to high.
(8) Everyone loves to walk into a room and see a kitty curled up in a sink. Do this somewhat regularly, but immediately evacuate if you see a camera come out. THERE CAN BE NO EVIDENCE!
(9) Mew loudly at the door to be let out, then disappear for hours. Act pissed off at your human when they aren't there to let you in the second you want to go back inside.
(10) Collect and fight any and all socks or hosiery belonging to the owner. Make sure that socks and hose are now disposable things, intended only as cat toys. While she's sleeping, arrange these destroyed artifacts artistically around her head. Mew loudly at 4 AM to let her know it's time to wake up and view your masterpiece. If she ignores you, swat her in the face a few times with your claws sheathed. If she doesn't wake up, do full-claws-out kneading on her neck. Look upset and hurt when she wakes up angry that you woke her up rather than appreciative of your artwork. Grab a sock and offer it to her, and then paw at the others to let her know that you did this for her. If she tries to go back to sleep after seeing your masterpiece, curl up on her bladder again, and this time make sure you move around a lot.